I used to think that one day I would be "cured" of anxiety. That my obsessive tics would gradually disappear over time. That one day being late for a class wouldn't elicit hysterical reactions from me.
But I think I need to acknowledge that the truth is, I will probably always be more anxious than the average person. Maybe sometimes anxiety will bother me less and sometimes more, but I'm probably going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

I have thought long and hard before writing this post because I don't want to write this for the sake of vanity. But then I realised that I should say something because mental health issue are so grossly misunderstood and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for being unwell. I mean you wouldn't pass a moral judgement on someone who has caught the flu bug would you?

Since 2012, I've had 3 relapses with anxiety. None as bad as the first but all exhausting nonetheless. This latest relapse has been bad because I didn't see it coming  ( maybe I didn't pay attention to the warning signs) and I couldn't seek help more quickly.

So I find myself going through the usual: extreme resistance to going to school, sleeping a lot more, sleeping a lot less, talking less to people, not trying to dress up and look good anymore.

Someone once told me I'm so good at hiding it that I have it down to an art. Maybe so, but my body betrays me and I find myself more exhausted then I've ever felt in a long time.

I remember a doctor once tried to comfort me by telling me that my anxiety was probably a by-product of begin smart, like that was supposed to be a consolation of sorts.

I have too much work to do right now and I hope this passes soon, but I am learning to forgive myself  for taking time to get over this episode.

I try to simplify my life by telling myself that at least I have showed up and played the game. I may take a few days off but for the most part I still try my best to show up and do something to help myself. Before I sleep, I ask myself if I've done the best I could that day to "show up and play the game". Usually the answer is yes. But sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself when I reach this conclusion but try to tell myself that the sun will still shine tomorrow and I can try again.

For now,  I am working on forgiving myself for struggling to take things easier ( as counter-intuitive as that sounds). To the people I always end up hurting during one of these episodes, I want you to know that even though I am too proud to say it, I am beyond touched that you have stayed by my side throughout everything. It speaks tremendously well off your character and understanding love. It is a tragic paradox of mental health issues: that what we push away the people and things we love the most when we need them the most.

For now though I will try to remember this though:

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling...” 

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