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The difficulty of being present.
Thursday, January 1, 2015 • 9:53 PM
For some time now, I'm been bogged down by this restlessness.
My mind constantly flits from one thing to another yet I feel so drained as if I've spent a lot of time completing a single rigorous task. I came to the conclusion that this restlessness stems from a difficulty to be present, to pay attention to the who, where and what that is happening around you.
My listlessness has only become more pronounced in recent years because of the kind of lifestyle I lead. I find myself listening to music the moment I step out of my home, plugged in, all the way from point A to B. Yet I never really focus on the lyrics of the song. I choose certain songs because they reflect certain kinds of emotions I want to meditate on and so I am more interested in the mood the song creates rather than the song itself. Then I am on social media a lot of the time, whether I'm in class, having lunch, doing work. So I'm always there but not really there at the same time. This difficulty of being present is making it difficult for me to focus on anything really. I find myself walking up and down my house feeling determined to do something, although I haven't quite figured out what exactly it is I'm going to do yet. I find it difficult to focus on reading books, which if you are a student of Literature, as I am, is a serious career hazard!!
I find myself waking up from dreams in which I have several urgent tasks that I have yet to complete and it takes me several minutes before I recognise that it is not reality. The feeling of discomfort and anxiety though stays with me throughout the day. I am doing some research on these feelings though and I will write about it more soon.
I also wanted to share this article that C told me about recently. this article recently about a girl's account about living with anxiety. I really liked it because for a long time I experienced almost everything that this girl has. (Interestingly, she is also studied Literature in college.) But I swear for the longest time I thought I was going mad. Sometimes I wonder if what's worse than actually losing your mind is seeing yourself deteriorate to a point in which it is no longer unreasonable to fear that you ARE losing your mind. I wonder if this anxiety is also fuelling the difficulty I have with being present. I will leave you with some excerpts from the piece and I will write more when I've read more.
"From as far back as I can remember, anxiety has played a relevant role in my life. Although I played team sports all my life, the amount of stress that came with playing was overwhelming.
Even at a young age, when everyone played soccer in New Jersey, my dad had to force me out of bed and convince me that I wouldn’t be the single reason the team might lose. But, as a goalie, I always thought differently.
At a young age, I’d check the locks about three times before going to sleep because the irrational fear of someone breaking in was all too realistic in my mind.
When people with anxiety get sick, they think the worst-case scenario of things. My mother constantly yells at me for going to the doctor so often.
As I grew up, school filled me with constant stress and if I wasn’t doing well or maintaining my GPA, it was the end of the world. Perfectionism is something that comes with anxiety; always doing well and being successful is vital in life.
Showing up on time was completely vital in every situation and the chance of me ever being late to practice or class or games was slim to none. I was always the first to everything.
For me, while there is much negativity that comes with it, anxiety has benefited aspects of my work and school life. Despite it, I’ve led a very successful life, thus far.
Traveling via airports is probably the worst source of anxiety for me; when I travel alone, I show up a good three to four hours early, just in case something could go wrong. And, the moment I step in an airport, I feel my heart beat faster instantly.
Even tougher than airports, nothing gives me more anxiety than people not answering my texts or calls because it automatically leads me to think I did something wrong in a, “What did I do to make this person mad at me,” kind of way.
I can’t tell you how many times I have catalyzed a situation from absolutely nothing and apologized, and my good friends, being who they are, just accept it and accept me. If I got a dollar for every time someone told me to relax or that I was overthinking, I’d be well off.
I almost always come through with plans and the thought of someone canceling last-minute sends shivers up and down my spine.
Sleeping is absolutely the worst. It takes me about two hours to finally fall asleep, but I never sleep through the night.
I wake up at around 3 am and worry whether I locked the car in the driveway or wonder where a certain thing is, and then, I can’t go back to sleep until I settle my questions.
Situations go from bad to completely catastrophic in my mind. And, something little as misplacing an item can trigger me and lead to tears.
Then, relationships are a whole other ballgame. Sometimes, you overthink things so much that you ruin something before it even begins, then you beat yourself up, replaying everything to your friends and in your mind. And again, they just tell you to relax.
Anxiety is more than just worrying, and to people who suffer from it — like I do —, the hardest part is self-acceptance. You accept yourself, you learn what triggers you and you learn how to deal with it."
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